Opening YAY!

The baseballs back in our court...  Or back in the empty stadiums.  (excluding Canada)  The Major League Baseball season is finally underway after months of delay.  The crowds filing into the stadium, the fresh cut grass, clean lined field, smell of popcorn and hotdogs wafting through the hum of the pregame chatter, seeing your favorite player in person and realizing he's not as big as he seems on TV but is still happy to deny signing your self made clay statue of him.  Sadly, these are all things we wont get to be apart of this baseball season.  (We wonder why...?!)  We like to look at the runs side of the scoreboard and not the errors side so here are some positives that will come from this shortened season:  60 Games!  Nothing makes each game count more than cutting over 100 games from the schedule. Rule Changes!  When pandemics hit it makes you really focus on whats important instead of squabbling over minor issues.  The National League will be adopting the DH (only 46+ year after the American League).  Runner starting on 2nd base in extra innings.  If they couldnt get it figured out in 9 innings.... get this game over already.  No restrictions on position players pitching.  Great, (inserting eyeroll) because no team brings in their left fielder to hurl 78 mph fastballs unless their team is down by at least 12 runs.  Expanded Playoffs!  We're getting excited about the new playoff format.  8 teams from each league (16 total).  With more teams means more upsets means more excitement.  (Its the standard fun formula) This really changes the game.  There are teams that deserved to make the playoffs in past years that have missed because they were in a tough division.  We're sure their will also be teams that probably dont belong that pull off an upset!  (Not sorry Dodgers and Yankees)  Time to prove yourselves in October!  Let's Play Ball!

The Road to DeMaskUs

The leadership at the top of our nations top offices has been disorganized at its best.   However, they have been very clear on contradicting each other.  The original path to freedom drove the populous towards not wearing a mask.  This path, littered with viral mine fields, led to an infectious feeling of dread and millions actually infected.  We're guessing the theory was: it wont help and supply of masks was low so we need to keep them for the working healthcare professionals.  Odd, that healthcare providers need to wear them to protect themselves while simultaneously recommending the public not wear them to protect ourselves.  Contradict much?  Good call healthcare people.  Do masks work to help prevent the spread of disease?  Yes. (if worn properly) (Why else would surgeons and healthcare workers wear them?  Besides making them look like they know what they are doing.)  Is wearing masks the only thing we should be doing to control infectious diseases?  No.  There are several other things that can help.  (washing hands, social distancing, exercise, eating right, etc.)  

Dont mask what your country can do for you... but just do whatever you want because your actions have no impact on others.  That "American" freedom attitude has allowed the covid situation to kick our mask six ways to Sunday.  Its time to 180 this baby.  POTUS has recently walked back his original stance of "dont wear mask because it prevents burger intake" (not a real quote)  He then realized the masks are removable.  The Don has donned a mask in some situations trumping his own lack of awareness.  He even said "it is Patriotic to wear a face mask when you can’t socially distance.”  We understand it is difficult for anyone to change their stance on hot button issues, so we are shocked that he stopped masking the truth.  If the Trumpenator is coming around to ideas then it must be so long overdue that we are probably already more than halfway down Covid Creek.

We know we have been talking a lot about masks lately and just like a mask over your mouth and nose...  we're over it.  So, let's put it on now so we can all take it off soon!

WishWashington Redskins

After years of hanging on to the offensive, dated name of the D.C. football team, the Redskins, will finally go the way the Native Americans went.  Slowly getting faded out by some old white folks.  The owners didnt care so much that the name has been offensive to the Native American people.  They didnt care so much about the multiple previous attempts to address the name problem.  They did care when the sponsors started threatening to take away millions of dollars.  Let this be a lesson for everyone wanting to make a change.  If you really want things to change the best way is to hit them wear it counts.  Right in the ol' pocket book.  There's nothing that talks louder than money.  We're sooo shocked that human beings would do things for lots of money rather than just because its the right thing to do.  We're just amaized that billionaires like to do things for lots of money.  Crazy, right? (we strained an ocular nerve rolling our eyes so hard)  Was this name offensive when they first decided on it?  Was it just some white men doing something without consulting the people it effected?  We dont have the answers to these questions but we do have some suggestions for the new team name though:

Washington Pigskins - because its just an easy transition.  They dont even have to take down all the old signs just put a big football over the RED part.
Washington 500's -  According to Wikepedia in their last 1234 regular season games (all of them)  They are 603-603-28.  Thats impressively mediocre.
Wershington Pretzels -  Because if they expand their fan base into the mid-west they can wersh away their problems with a lil soap and water.  Maybe Snyder needs a handover?  Also of late, the team has just been a hard, salty thing that has been difficult to swallow with out an excessive amount of beer.
Washington Bureaucrats -  Because they seem like they're working hard but they aint getting anything done!
Washington Trumps.  Because it doesnt matter what it is, that dude just loves to put his name on stuff.
Washington Capitolist - This ones a capitall order.
Washington Seminole Gaming Casinos - Because the only way we seem to be able to make up for kicking Native Americans off of their land is to allow them to have casinos.
Washington "probably should ask and consult the Native Americans before we pick something again"
Washington, George's - Whats more american than that?!
Washington Monuments - Oh, we think that one might be taken.

Names and flags mean things.  They are symbolic and representative of the people that support and promote them.  It is only right that the people have a voice in the decision.  So, just like in your game... there should be no shame in your name. 

Social Misstancing

Since the Corona virus found its beach on every coastline of America, it has quickly made America its beach.  It has also become the most popular news topic, our favorite controversial debate, party ruiner, and thing to pass along to your friends and family.  America has once again done what it does best.  Become #1!  (In your face again world! You thought we would stop with the Dream Team?  Ha.  No Way!)  With more infected and more dead from the virus, we're on top of all other nations totals.  (not per capita, just total numbers)  Way to go America!  We just cant help ourselves when we do things, we do them well!  Other nations are starting to get so jealous that they are banning Americans from entering their countries!  Its ok other countries... maybe one day you can be like us! (hopefully not!)

Yes, we all want to be  social disDancing, social distanSinging, and social kissing.  Yes, the government has resorted to social financing.  Yes, we miss dancing, miss the bar, miss our restaurants, and especially miss the beaches.  No, there is no cure, great treatment, or vaccine on the horizon.  Millions have lost jobs the nation has been standing apart on several of the issues.  The 6 feet between us has been pulling us apart for months.  So, lets clear some things up!

Should you drink bleach?  This will in fact guarantee you wont get any virus because you will be dead.  (DONT DO IT!)  (If you actually thought about doing this... how did you even make it this far?)

Should you wear a mask?  Batman wears a mask not to protect himself but to protect the ones he loves from being a target of evil.  (Masks do the same thing!  (evil being COVID)) Be like Batman, protect the ones around you and save lives!  Plus, what could go wrong with you wearing a mask and yelling "I am Batman" everywhere you go?  (Probably baker acted, but who doesnt love a nice padded room?!)

Should you eat more fruits and vegetables?  Yes, but thats just basic health and has nothing to do with COVID-19.

Should you exercise more often?  Yes, but once again that is just a general health guideline that you should be doing on a routine basis.

Should you go wash your hands?  Again, a basic health thing that you should be doing multiple times everyday!  We didnt think we'd have to clarify this but wash your freaking hands!  Wash them more than you want to and especially after using the bathroom.

Finally, should you quarantine yourself if you test positive for COVID-19?  Yes, and by quarantine we mean dont go anywhere or be in contact with anyone.  No, dont go out to Target and think your being safe because you're wearing a mask.  Dont go out to a friends party because your not showing symptoms.  YOU CAN SPREAD COVID WITHOUT SHOWING SYMPTOMS!  Stop being selfish and take one for the team because right now Team America is in last place.  We're playing like a bunch of individuals because "rights of freedom" or "civil liberties".  Well, teams dont win by playing like a bunch of individuals.  Teams win (and by that we mean defeat this virus) by coming together and doing your part.  So lets regroup and get it together before we lose to places like England.  Are we really gonna lose to England?!  Its almost the 4th of July so lets take it to England again!  Let's go!  Be safe, be kind, do your part, and we will win!

#BeatEngland  #WashyourHands  #DontDrinkBleach   #COVID-19  #TeamAmerica

2020 Leave me A loan

We see 2020 very clearly for what it is.  It sucks.  Like a Dyson vac kinda sucks.  It started off with a pandemic.  Follow that with a quarantine recession.  Throw in a plague of locusts, the US government going $2 trillion more in debt, a Saharan dust storm coating american skies, a monster hurricane season, and the reelection of Trump, and we're all set for the shittiest year long party of the century.  The ramifications could last for decades.  Its o.k. we can all get through it because we still have our beloved sports to distract us from the crappy parts of life.  Oh, wait... Thanks 2020 for: no March Madness, no NBA/NHL playoffs, no Baseball Opening day, and some fanless Golf and NASCAR.  We're not upset or on the edge of insanity.  Yea, we just watched a cornhole match on the Ocho and Korean baseball is on next so, everything is going great!  We're fine, totally fine.  No freaking out here, just doing fine.  You can tell we're fine by the amount if times we said we're fine.  Thats how you know we're fine because we are.  Its so bad we almost considered watching soccer.  (We didnt, we're totally fine) 
Its like we were stuck in the Matrix and everything was actually going fine... then we everyone went a 2020 New Years party and took the Red pill.  We got sucked into the real world and now wish Morpheus would have given us a little more information about what the "real" world before he let us "choose" pills.  (Youre saying the real world is filled with murderous robots, most humans are used as batteries, and in order to survive we all have to live underground and eat slop?... yeah hard pass on that Morpheus... we'll stay in the Matrix, thanks!) 
The real world is actually filled with masks, protests, and social distancing.  The good news is the mask covers up that zit we just got, protesting is a good way to get outside and exercise, and there isnt that many people we actually want to be within 6 feet of.  We all would like to say we wont take for granted having toilet paper in the stores and walking around without a mask on but let's be honest.  As soon as we can control COVID with a Neo vaccine we are gonna put this year down faster than the travel industry in a pandemic. 
P.S. We all missed a lot of travel this year... worst staycations ever.
P.S.S. Since the government is handing out all this cash... how about giving us one of those forgivable kinda loans?  Wish the government would leave me a loan!

#ISit2021yet?   #Iseeyou2020andimblindnow   #2020needsmorethanBeergoggles  #Isaw2020andclosedmyeyes  #2020reasonstomoveonto2021  #2020onlyonedirectionleft #Itriedtomoveonfrom2020butitsawrightthroughme

The Edge of In-shannity

Sean Hannity, the conservative "mainstream media" host, has been doing the same things over and over while expecting different results.  He hasnt been getting them.  His Inshannity may have officially taken him to a new level of disaster.  According to a study by economists at the University of Chicago, people that were exposed to Mr. Hannity had a higher chance of contracting COVID and dying from it.  What?!  Did you almost shannity in your pannities like we did when we heard that?  Mr. Hannity is exposing people to a virus without being around them.  What kind of sorcery is that?  We thought watching Mr. Hannity was just a frustrating waste of time.  Apparently its gone past maximum worseness compared to that.
How could you be more likely to die by watching a tv show?  (Besides shows about daredevils, magicians, and cooking: because motorcycle jumps, knife tricks, and flambés should be left to the professionals people!)  Did watching Hannity seriously make people more likely to die?!  Is that a real conclusion, to a real study?  We really hope that its just another "mainstream media" lie.  We hope that Mr. Hannity didnt play off the beginning of the COVID pandemic as a hoax or he didnt say that the pandemic was something that should not to be taken seriously.  That would probably be a pretty irresponsible thing to do, right?  Luckily Mr. Hannity seems to be a very responsible, upstanding citizen who knows his voice is a serious weapon and he should yield it with the utmost discretion.  We wouldnt expect him to do things for ratings, viewership, or just because he ate a weird burrito earlier.  He is there to find deep truths that the "mainstream media" wont cover. (127,000 deaths as of 6/26/20) People seem to love listening to his rants about why the "mainstream media" (that he demonizes while ignoring the fact he is a part of it) wont tell you the truth about (insert any subject here).  He the puts his conservative spin on whatever "facts" they come up with.  Mr. Hannity are you saying the mainstream media wouldnt make up some skewed information you "found" then not regurgitate it out to the world?  Thats great news!
People love a common enemy.  For Mr. Hannity and his viewership the enemy is the "mainstream media."  We assume by "mainstream media" he means anyone not on the same network he is.  That could be too broad.  It could be anyone not named Sean Hannity.  We dont know, but it is sad that we cant all make a common enemy out of things that are actually killing and hurting people.  Lets make a common enemy of COVID.  Lets make a common enemy of Racism.  Lets make a common enemy out of climate change.  We can even make a common enemy out of aliens.  (They're not here yet, but you know that they are coming)  Lets make our future better together.  Let us stand as one world, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

#seanhannity   #Inshannity  #COVID  #OneWorld

Feeling the Bern

With the tornado of fun that swept through the primaries in Iowa.  New Hampshire was the next state to be set on fire by the Democratic candidates.  Buttigieg came in hot after cashing in his IOU from Iowa.  New Hampshire set the roof on fire and the other candidates let it Bern.  Bern baby Bern.  The 78 year old Bernie, (after arriving 2 hours late to his campaign headquarters because he insisted he couldnt miss the early bird special and demanded his bus drive 10 mph under the speed limit in the fast lane) proceeded to get lost on the way to the stage.  We dont want to say he's too old for the most stressful, important, nonstop job in the world but.... we are definitely saying that.  We apologize for the age discrimination but we feel it necessary a president be able to stay up past 7pm.  The candidates are slowly getting charred by the results.  A few candidates have already seen their presidential kindling go up in flames.  Some of these candidates should have known they had no chance from the start, so we wont pick on them.  [(but they sure wasted a lot of time and money only to watch their friends and families take their yard signs out of their yards) (after voting for someone else)].  The most notable of the ashes, Andrew, just couldnt find the yin to his Yang.  Turns out people wont vote for you even if you promise to give them a thousand dollars a month.  Make it Five grand a month and you have our attention.  Ying Yang aint in this thang no mo.  He just couldnt salt shaker any votes out of the Hampshire and now he knows how to Get Low.  It seems all the candidates have taken the democratic oath.  (Beat Donald Trump)  We'll see if they dont Bern down the entire party in the process. 

I-owe-A candidate

The field Democratic candidates for president are not exactly everyone's Field of Dreams.  The raucous caucus of Iowa could've used an abacus.  Its going down in Iowa and by it we mean everyone's faith in their vote being counted correctly.  We expected one candidate to emerge from the corn with a home run and the others to have to play catch up.  Instead everyone received an IOU from IOWA.  I am not sure how Amazon can get anyone: a plush corn cob hat, can of corn vegetables, and a corn stripper in two days but somehow the DNC cant figure out how to make a digital calculator add up correctly.  We get it most 70+ year olds have found working with 10 year old technology is difficult. (My Iphone 3 just didnt get the app downloaded correctly.)  We spoke to the DNC (not really) and according to them all of the votes for Bloomberg got sent to Pittsburg.  Sanders votes all had to be cast at a KFC to count and shoeless Joe's votes got a stubbed toe en route.  Considering the age of most of the candidates, Biden 77, Bernie 78  Bloomberg 77 , Buttigieg 38, Warren 70 we're not sure all of them can even Go the Distance.  I don't know if its prudent to have grandma or grandpa running the country but best of luck to another .500 season to all the candidates.  

I Saw the Sign

Another Major League Baseball scandal has opened up our eyes to see what it takes to be Champions.  In their attempt to become Ace of the Bases, the Houston Astros were caught stealing.  At First, they used cameras to decode the signals.  Rounding second, they used trash cans to signal what pitch was coming.  Heading to third, they coordinated all this in order to gain an illegal competitive advantage.  Finally, sent home is where 3 managers and 1 general manager ended up.  These guys clearly were taking notes from the Patriots on using video to push the limits of legal research.  Did the Astros' cheating contribute to their eventual World Series Championship?  Probably...  but how would you prove that?  You cant clearly prove it was the reason for them winning.  (They had some pretty good players).  Its gonna be a Cruel, Cruel summer for the Astros, Red Sox, and Mets since they told their managers to take a walk, and Don't Turn Around.  Baseball is a cruel mistress.  She'll bring you to the top, steal your bases, and break your heart in October.  All That She Wants is another winner and the season is gone tomorrow.  Baseball has taught us many lessons in the over the years.  If you want to make more money in baseball.  Gamble on your play or throw games.  If you want to be the best player.  Do steroids.  If you want to win the World Series.  Cheat.  Thank you baseball for teaching us great life lessons.  Glad to see our national pass time keeps hitting ethical home runs. 

All Pun and Games

Let us start with our mission statement:  To take the good, bad, ugly, and whatever else we find interesting from life and turn it into something punny.  We are not limited to puns. (Which are exploiting the several different meanings of words that sound the same (homonyms) or in general using words (yes, even made up words) or terms that sound the same but are very different in meaning)  We will also use other forms of word play.  Puns are word play but not all word play are puns.  Make cents?  Our goal is to make cents from this nonsense and fund a charity.  Perhaps a park for cars?  Yes, a car park.  Where Fords and Teslas can play with one another without their humans getting all gassed up and fueling the tension between them.  That's ridiculous.  How about parks for local communities in need?  That sounds like something we can get the people to swing for.  Finding funding for a family fun field is probably a fantasy, so we really just do it for the fun in the pun.  Many of the things that will come from here will be true.  Many more will be clearly false.  We will make up quotes.  We will strive to hot air balloon things out of proportion while simultaneously making light of the situation.  Our jokes might be bad.  Our quotes might be made up.  Our writing may be dubious but our hearts will be in the write place.  We will mistakenly miss take the world for what it is and take what we miss and replace it into the world.  We will porposely swim your mind in circles like a dolphin taunting a human at an aquarium.  Are we taunting the dolphin or is it taunting us?  Exactly.  If you find us funny, thank us and pass us along to a friend.  If you find us stoopid then you clearly got the point.  If you dont like us, cool.  We are not hear to please everyone.  If you listen closely, you will find we are advocates of cereal punishment.  Bottom line:  We are here for Trix and games, so if you are down, grab your rabbits foot or Lucky Charm and we will try not to be so corny that you Flake out on us.  Chex yourself before you infect yourself with puns of fun.  We are the Total pun package (sorry no raisins).  Life is just for Kix so, grab a bowl and we will Phil you up like Punxsutawney in February.  We will try not to discriminate and will do our best to be an equal opportunity offender.  Defend the offensive and offend the defensive.  Strike those, reverse them.  The best defense is a bunch of nonsense.  Let's play.