Feeling the Bern

With the tornado of fun that swept through the primaries in Iowa.  New Hampshire was the next state to be set on fire by the Democratic candidates.  Buttigieg came in hot after cashing in his IOU from Iowa.  New Hampshire set the roof on fire and the other candidates let it Bern.  Bern baby Bern.  The 78 year old Bernie, (after arriving 2 hours late to his campaign headquarters because he insisted he couldnt miss the early bird special and demanded his bus drive 10 mph under the speed limit in the fast lane) proceeded to get lost on the way to the stage.  We dont want to say he's too old for the most stressful, important, nonstop job in the world but.... we are definitely saying that.  We apologize for the age discrimination but we feel it necessary a president be able to stay up past 7pm.  The candidates are slowly getting charred by the results.  A few candidates have already seen their presidential kindling go up in flames.  Some of these candidates should have known they had no chance from the start, so we wont pick on them.  [(but they sure wasted a lot of time and money only to watch their friends and families take their yard signs out of their yards) (after voting for someone else)].  The most notable of the ashes, Andrew, just couldnt find the yin to his Yang.  Turns out people wont vote for you even if you promise to give them a thousand dollars a month.  Make it Five grand a month and you have our attention.  Ying Yang aint in this thang no mo.  He just couldnt salt shaker any votes out of the Hampshire and now he knows how to Get Low.  It seems all the candidates have taken the democratic oath.  (Beat Donald Trump)  We'll see if they dont Bern down the entire party in the process. 

I-owe-A candidate

The field Democratic candidates for president are not exactly everyone's Field of Dreams.  The raucous caucus of Iowa could've used an abacus.  Its going down in Iowa and by it we mean everyone's faith in their vote being counted correctly.  We expected one candidate to emerge from the corn with a home run and the others to have to play catch up.  Instead everyone received an IOU from IOWA.  I am not sure how Amazon can get anyone: a plush corn cob hat, can of corn vegetables, and a corn stripper in two days but somehow the DNC cant figure out how to make a digital calculator add up correctly.  We get it most 70+ year olds have found working with 10 year old technology is difficult. (My Iphone 3 just didnt get the app downloaded correctly.)  We spoke to the DNC (not really) and according to them all of the votes for Bloomberg got sent to Pittsburg.  Sanders votes all had to be cast at a KFC to count and shoeless Joe's votes got a stubbed toe en route.  Considering the age of most of the candidates, Biden 77, Bernie 78  Bloomberg 77 , Buttigieg 38, Warren 70 we're not sure all of them can even Go the Distance.  I don't know if its prudent to have grandma or grandpa running the country but best of luck to another .500 season to all the candidates.