Cereal Killers

Children have been after "me lucky charms" for decades.  Why?  Because of the leprechaun marketing?  Or, because the cereal is packed with sugary deliciousness?  Maybe, a combination of the two?  The leprechaun enticed you to take that first hit and that's all you need.   That sweet sugar dopamine rush does the rest and gets them hooked for life. (We've all seen the videos of a child's first hit of cake or ice cream.  Their eyes light up like an electric shock straight to their brain.)  Nutritionist are after that leprechaun too.  Mostly to lock him up and keep him out of breakfast entirely.  He's not the only culprit, all the other cartoon mascots designed by adults to entice children into begging their parents for cereal can share blame.  Sugar combined with excessive children advertising and deceptive marketing tactics has made the breakfast cereal market a sad staple of the american diet.  Trix are for kids but the trick is on them... They are not a part of a complete breakfast.  Well, they can be a part of a complete breakfast but they are not the part that makes it a healthy breakfast.  They are the part that ruins the healthy parts.  If you add cartoon leprechaun, a tiger, a rabbit, a toucan, elves, a bee, the Flintstones, and any other inanimate object to a meal high in quality protein, fruits, and vegetables they will all be a part of that complete healthy meal.  They will be the annoying part of the meal trying to trick your brain into eating something addicting.  

Studies of sugars addictiveness go back decades and have been ignored since they concluded it was.  Sugars effects on the brain have been shown to have many of the same characteristics of other highly addictive substances like opioids and nicotine.  Those things are pretty fun and it turns out sugar is a lot of fun too.  The really cool thing is that sugar is a drug that is even cheaper and more accessible than opioids or tobacco products!  Even kids can get it!  Plus, sugar doesn't come with the negative side effects of those drugs!  It's delicious, healthy and not addictive.  We just want more of it all the time and get super mad when we cant have it.  (Just ask that 3 year old we just stole a candy bar from.  They're crying with joy because they don't have to eat it.)  It doesn't come with withdrawals or side effects.  Sugar crashes, diabetes, and obesity are not real byproducts of sugar and ultra processed foods...  Americans got obese on vegetables and exercise.

Sugar is addictive and bad for you in large doses.  Don't believe us?  Look it up...  Seriously "can be more addictive than cocaine and other opioids."  We strongly suggest not snorting it on an empty stomach.  Don't believe us?  (Don't actually do that, it is a joke.)  They told us not to stare at the sun either but look at as now!  Seriously are you looking at us?  You have to tell us because we can't actually see you, or anything else.  Coincidentally our blindness happened very close to the time when we stared directly into the sun but we're confident the sun was not the cause.  Correlation does not mean causation.    

Food producers have called the scientists bluff on sugars addictiveness.  Or, food producers know the science behind it and use it to sell more food.  Which do you think is true?  Instead of sparingly they use it amply.  How can we amplify this water?  Put sugar in it!  This wheat bran is bland and tasteless.... SUGAR IT UP!  Boom.  Delicious.  How can we make this styrofoam delicious?  Sugar!  How can we cause severe health problems throughout American society?  Put sugar in everything!  Seriously, look in your cabinet.  The vast majority of processed food items will have sugar, high fructose corn syrup (sugar from corn) or a form of fake sugar (sucralose, stevia, aspartame, etc) in it. (We're not going to get into the fake sugar debate in this column but rest assured they could be killing you also.)   Don't believe us?  Go look... we'll wait.  

Now that you've inspected your pantry and found sugar as an ingredient in basically everything that is considered a processed food we can proceed with our proposal.  We are proposing a class action lawsuit directed towards the largest processed and ultra processed food makers and distributors.  How is suing General Mills, Hersheys, Nestle, Kelloggs, Coca Cola, Pepsi Co etc... even going to work?  It can not in any way be the same as the lawsuits won against the tobacco and opioid industries.  Right?  Is it?  Let's review. 

Cigarettes were marketed as a product that keeps you thin, is totally not addictive, and best of all makes you look and feel cool.  Plus that bonus buzz from the awesome nicotine.  They certainly made you look and feel so cool... until you know the whole cancer thing hits and kills you.  Coolest dead guy in the room.  Ok, it turns out they're not cool.  They are laced with a bunch of chemicals besides nicotine but the nicotine was found to be one of the most addictive substances in the world.  You've heard the saying once you pop a smoke, you cant stop.  Wait... isn't that an add for potato chips?  That's ok, potato chips are addicting in a good way.  Nicotine however, makes you crave more of it to the detriment of your mind and body until it gives you serious illnesses.  Wait...

Tobacco companies misled the science and killed people.  As far as worldwide population control goes they are the real pros.  They kill millions and make millions.  They are professional hitmen.  Ok, hitmen are expected to work quickly so they're like sloth hitmen.  Super slow killing machines.  Their products take years to do the job that some opioids can get done in days or months but make no mistake they will get their mark and it will be a slow painful cancer ridden death.  Not like the slow drift off of an overdose.  Tobacco companies are killers with malice.   

The opioid addiction started off in much of the same way as cigarettes.  Except these pills were even better because they're doctor approved.  (Doctors don't approve of your ultra processed foods and if your doctor does, please find a new doctor.)  They will take away the pain, they are easy to get, they will make you feel great, and also, totally not addictive.  Turns out the science was made murky for years in order for a large company (and specific individuals) to make billions.  They also killed a bunch of people with overdoses.  The amazement of society is that these companies are mass murderers and continue to operate by paying fines.  Yes, we're looking at you Perdue Pharma and whatever you're new company is going to be.  (Companies are great because they are a fake thing.  That fake thing (the company) can take the blame for some real thing the owners and operators of a company clearly were a part of and knowingly did because they run the fake thing.  Then, when bad things happen let the fake thing take all the blame.  The owners in the meantime keep the money and take no personal responsibility because the company was doing it, not the owners.)  We're sure they would claim innocence in not knowing they were killing people so it would be just manslaughter then?  It's okay you mass manslaugheters can go ahead and retire on your billions that you somehow get to keep after misleading, doping, and killing people.  

Who's killed more?  The winner is certainly as clear as smoky room.  Tobacco paid for that killing though.  Not with like sending the perpetrators going to jail, shutting down the companies completely, or making all the executives of the companies smoke cigarettes nonstop until they throw up.  They were punished with paying money to states.  They paid more than $206 billion dollars worth of profit penalization.  Now, many of the companies were still profitable and still exist and turn large profits today but those fines really solved the problem.  The companies have divested into vaping and nicotine pouches like zyn and continued to profit off of addictive harmful human habits.  So, no new problems are expected in the future.  

Opioids just havent had enough time to kill as many people as smoking has.  Their products are more fast acting but their penalties will be the similar.  No jail time, or complete shuttering of the companies involved (it will go into bankruptcy and reorganize under a new name we're sure), or making them take a couple pills and have their stomachs pumped.  Just a monetary penalty with many of the producers and companies involved in distribution.  The settlements are still ongoing but could be in excess of $50 billion.  The monies will not be wasted by local governments and instead go directly towards time machine research which will be able to bring back all the people killed by overdosing.  No harm no foul. 

The opioid industry and the tobacco industry set the standards of responsibility:  1. Create a highly addictive product.  2.  Make it readily accessible.  3. Use Marketing tactics to proliferate that substance to the masses.  4. Make huge profits while claiming your product does no harm to the populus.  5.  Ignore and lobby against any factual scientific evidence to limit the consumption and distribution of the product.  6.  Cause a major epidemic of death, disease, and disabilities to millions of people.  Does the ultra processed food industry fit these characteristics?  

With the proliferation of obesity throughout America; Kelloggs*, General Mills, and any other ultra processed food producer should have to pay for every persons Ozempic.  Ok, that just helps another terrible industry but at least people will eat less TRASH food so it's like a double whammy to the processed food makers.  We're proposing a settlement of $1 trillion paid in $50 billion a year increments directly to farmers of organic fruits and vegetables.  This settlement will be in perpetuity until the obesity rate of the United States is at or below 20%.  Which still seems porky but would cut the obesity rate in half.  (The CDC says the obesity rate is about 41.9% in 2024)  Although among the black population it is 49.9%.  That means if you look to your left and to your right and there's not an obese person then it's probably you.  

Obesity isn't really a problem to society like the opioids or tobacco industry though, is it?  We've Captain Crunched some numbers and the WHO (world health organization) says it's not a big deal it only likely kills 280 to 325 people a year.  So, who really cares?  Oh, Snap, Crackle, and Pop we forgot some zeros on those numbers.  We Trixed you silly rabbits and it's actually 280,000-325,000 people a year in the United States alone.  That's Fruity Loops.  Those unlucky charmed deaths don't even include the costs of all the other health problems that obesity causes.  Ok, $1 trillion may not be enough to solve this crisis.  So, listen... F-1 trillion we better make it $2 trillion.

Cheerio mates.  

*Kelloggs (Yes, it's spelled with 2 G's.  It has also split off into 2 companies.  Kellanova being the new one.  Meaning new killer in latin.  It doesn't actually but you could easily believe that to be true.  Kellanova is the real name which is surprisingly similar to kilonova which is an event where 2 neutron stars or a neutron star and a black hole merge which sounds insanely scary and unfathomably powerful.  We're not sure why they named it that but it could be accurate for their mission of death and destruction through food?  We didn't reach out to them for comment but we're confident that if we did, they wouldn't have one for us or at the very most they would say "They're Great!") and General Mills are some of the top "food" producers in the world.  Food in quotation marks because should the things they sell as "food" be classified as food?  If your qualifications for food are things that can be put into your mouth, chewed, and swallowed, then you either have a very low bar for food or a very high tolerance for putting weird stuff in your mouth.  Styrofoam, cotton balls, and plastic christmas ornaments can all be chewed and swallowed but we don't think anyone would qualify them as food.  The difference is Frosted Flakes and Cinnamon Toast Crunch taste delicious when they're in your mouth and styrofoam does not.  (We tried it... it tastes like styrofoam.)  You will notice that most of their cereal offerings start off with whole grains and the grains are touted to be healthy.  (While some carbohydrates can be a part of a meal we'd argue that they're not usually the healthy part of a balanced meal.)  Great whole grains!  The second ingredient in most of them is sugar.  Oh, delicious sugar.  The white temptress that endlessly calls us back for that sweet, sweet hit of her temporary pleasure.  We're not addicted, we can stop anytime.  We promise, anytime after today because that 5th bowl of Fruit Loops is whispering our name and we can't say no that that sugarry seduction.  

Are their any other industries besides the Tobacco, Opioid, and High Processed food businesses that have followed these circumstances?  Definitely the chemical industry... (Yea we're talking about you 3M and Dupont)  We focused on the makers of highly sugarized ultra processed food like substances that are oral food drugs.  Some of these products that are produced by these companies do not even qualify as food like Taco Bells ground beef not qualifying as meat or Subways bread not qualifying as bread.  Some of these foods you can put in your mouth but should not qualify as food.  We should stop calling it food.  TRASH (The Remains After its been Stripped of Health) or how about a label that says not actual food in big letters right on the front of the packaging...  Neither of these are likely to help and people will still eat them but, that is apparently the way the system works.  The system also works by them having to pay a lot of money to deal with the problems they have created.  Usually its significantly less money than cost of the problems they have created leaving governments to pick up the tabs and deal with the costs.  But if the options are letting them make high profits and not pay any money, and pay money, we think they should pay money.  The opioids leave you with over doses meaning having to purchase large amounts of narcan, having to run medical emergency calls, and loss of life.  Tobacco comes with a stench of smoke, multiple cancers, healthcare costs, and loss of life.  Ultra processed food companies leave you with obesity, increased healthcare costs and treatments, and premature loss of life.  The quality of life is also an important factor to consider and we'd argue these all lead toward a diminished quality of life with higher usage.