Disanting Opinion

If you've ever been to Florida before you've probably gotten a wicked bad sunburn, gotten swarmed by mosquitos, and surely been eaten by an alligator.  It's a great place.  Home to a kind and generous people.  Very few of them are actually from Florida but that does not stop them from pretending.  Odd how a place with so much immigration shows such contempt for actual immigration.  Florida has had a huge problem with illegal immigrants flooding across the border it shares with Mexico.  Floridians have built reefs made of coral and a moats filled with sharks to stop the people blowing in from South America.  They just walk right across the border into the state with no resistance.  Donald Trump has proposed a new plan to surround the state with a moat.  "Florida needs to be surrounded by water to protect itself from immigrants and hurricanes."  (Yes, Trump will be happy to say that quote is actual fake news)  Wait... Isnt Florida already surrounded by water?  Except if you wanna go through Georgia or Alabama it is.  (So, basically yes because nobody wants to do that)  Those states are quite the natural barrier to entry.  They're like the Florida filter.  If you make it through those states or the shark motes, you've passed the test and they welcome you in.  

Florida governor Ron Desantis is getting the national attention he so desired by using taxpayer dollars to fly illegal immigrants to Martha's Vineyard.  These immigrants were not even in Florida but Desantis went out of his way to find them.  We all know why he did this, because he cares so much about immigrants.   He spent $600k to fly them to a place where he knew they would be taken care of.  "We can not help them in Florida.  Our insurance rates have gotten out of control.  Our housing prices have gone up more than 50% in 2 years.  Fentanyl is being passed around like candy on Halloween.  The alligator population has surged and people are getting eaten daily.  If the gators dont get you the retired population will.  We must send people to find refuge elsewhere."  said DeSantis.  (fake quote)  

His fear was that these people would come to Florida and it would be a serious risk to their safety.  He may be right that living in Florida is a serious risk to most peoples mental and physical safety.  But to care for other humans with no thought towards your own media attentions or the cost to be burdened by the state taxpayers is truly admirable.  This is above and beyond any normal caring leader.  This is true humility and respect for fellow human beings.  Desantis should be respected for his heroin spirit in support of immigrants.  Cheers to Desantis for ignoring the many problems of Floridians and pulling stunts on and for immigrants.

Not So Jolly Rodgers

"I just want to win."  How many times have you heard an athlete say this?  Coincidently it seems to happen significantly more often during a contract dispute.  "I just want to win" can be translated to "I just want more money."  It is like a pirate flagging you down saying "we just want to talk." Do they really?  Or, do they want all of your possessions?  

The athletes asking for huge paychecks saying they "just want to win" are either lying to themselves or they don't understand how a team works.  Let's put on our captain obvious hat for a second and give you the play breakdown for the finances of a football team.  NFL teams can have 53 players on a regular season roster with 48 suiting up for the game.  Lets say we round it to 50 for easy numbers.  We have to keep it simple because we're about as smart as the average football player with 4 concussions. 

The 2022 salary cap for the NFL is $208 million.  208/50 = 4.16 million.  So if you paid out the full $208 million (which most teams dont) and paid all the players equally (which no teams do) each player would get $4.16 million for the 2022 year.  It does seem to be the case that there are better players than others which means some players will be paid higher or lower dependent on their skills.  What do you think happens when a single player gets 10x that amount? (Of course we realize teams can go over the cap and some do, but this adds other significant costs to the financial puzzle.)

There are no doubts that the highest paid athletes are usually some of the very best.  Lets take Aaron Rodgers for instance.  The 2021 MVP of the NFL.  Who signed a new contract to be paid $42 million dollars for 2022 ($59 million for 2023!).  (Thats right he is paid 10x what the team average would be for full salary cap spend)  Rodgers now makes 20% of the entire team payroll.  If one player makes 20% that leaves 80% for the other 52 players.  This takes that average salary for the rest of the team down to $3.19 million.  Remember skill and compensation are linked.  What if for instance that Rodgers gets hurt?  That is the financial equivalent of 10 players getting injured at the same time.  If a team had 10 injuries in a game we think they would have a difficult time competing.

Rodgers had some off season criticism for some of the talent left around him.  Weird.  It is almost like they paid him so much they couldnt afford anyone else.  The addition of logic to this party just does not calculate.

The obvious problems is that money doesnt necessarily lead to wins.  (it does seem to help if you spend it properly though, especially in baseball)  Why is that?  Could it be because of overpaying for talent?  It looks like you are trying to win and it sure feels good for the fans when you have "that player" on your team.  When that player leads you to a #1 seed for the playoffs it feels even better.  But when the team gets knocked out of the playoffs in the first round... it seems a little less gratifying having "that player" on your team.

We are not saying that the best most talented athletes shouldnt get paid.  They should.  But we're not sure they understand the relationship of their impact to their team finances.  Every dollar the star gets is a dollar that doesnt go to another good player that could play on your team.  If you are the star player (good for you) and you really want to win there are a couple options to put that money to work.  

1. Take a lower salary in return for a guarantee the team will use the money you would have gotten to attract other talented players that can help you win.  2.  Take your maximum salary possible then give your own money towards other talented players on the team.  Have you ever heard of a quarterback offering financial compensation to their own teammates to incentivize play?  (We're not talking about like buying the O-Line a steak dinner if you dont get sacked)  We're talking about actual cash bonuses.  Like $500,000 if you catch 10 TD's.  Have you heard of a quarterback wanting to win so bad he gives $1 million of his own money to another player on his team?  Do you think the other players would play harder for the team?  How about an Aaron Rodgers team bonus pool?  You really wanna win?  Take $10 million of your own salary (yea tough year when you make only $32 mill instead of $42 mill) and put it in a team bonus pool based on whatever incentives you think are important to the team.  It could simply be a hard practice gets a rookie $5,000.  Run this out rout properly 10 times and there's a bonus.  Some of the veterans might not respond to 10 or 20 thousand but we bet some of the rookies would.

3.  Feel good about being the highest paid player.  Screw the team and bank cash until you can buy yourself an island.  Who really wants to win a stupid game anyways?  Its not like the fans judge success by wins and losses.  Its all about the 0's in the bank.  Just ask Tom Brady.  
 

If you build it...

Who would have thought heaven was in Iowa?  If your heaven is a baseball field, with a fence made from corn, in the middle of nowhere Iowa, then you may have something in common with the 1989 movie Field of Dreams.  In the movie Ray Kinsella, played by Kevin Costner, is a man in the middle of a mid life crisis and is most likely losing his mind.  We don't yet know how the path towards insanity starts, but hearing voices in a corn field we think is sure fire sign.  However, the voices do propel him on a journey to find... his heaven.  Maybe insanity is not so bad?  This is, of course, literal because there are no metaphors in the movie.  If you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, swing by the field of dreams and you may just realize where heaven actually is. Or where it is not. 

  

Its almost every little leaguers dream to play baseball at the highest level.  Very few players get to realize that dream.  It is easy to criticize players and owners for the large sums of money they throw around for the "love" of the game.  Its a punch in the gut for all of those players who didn't make it that would play for free.  Baseball is a game meant to be played.  The games may be won or lost but the important thing is they are fun.  Adults have been taking the fun out of things since the invention of fun.  They forget why they started playing in the first place.  Money does not make things fun.  Money makes things a business.  The fun is what gives it the ability to be a business.  The fun is what makes the people want to play, want to watch, and want to dream about playing in the Majors.  If you want to make more money, make more fun.  The Field of Dreams game is fun.  Watch it or maybe go have a catch with a loved one.  If you're lucky you might find out heaven isnt just in Iowa.  You may also find out that the happiness you've been looking for has been right there waiting for you the entire time.  

Liv by the Par

Die by the par.  Par is good, but if you're trying to beat the best... you need to make birdies. The PGA tour has been making pars for years and been winning.  It has built itself into a $1.5+ billion dollar a year "non profit" monopoly machine.  However, lately the P.G.Eh. tour has been on the bogey train.

The tour prides itself on hosting the best golf competitions for the best players in the world.  {Although the actual top 3 tournaments are not hosted by the PGA tour:  The Masters, US Open and The Open}  For a company that prides itself on competitions, the PGA is not very enthusiastic about participating in a competition of their own.  What do they say about pride again?

The PGA hasn't had a competition for talent.  They have run all the best games in town for a long time but the talent is starting to be chipped away by the large purse strings of the black gold nation.  Some of the top ranked players in the world have joined LIV for multi-million dollar signing bonuses.  Signing bonuses; you know those contracts athletes get in pretty much every other professional sports league.  The PGA is against signing bonuses because... well we don't know why.  We assume it has to do with their ideals of only paying based on the players performance for the week because that's how they've done it for nearly 100 years.  We respect that "if it ain't broke" attitude but many players don't seem to feel the same way.  The LIV golf tour now has more than 15 of the top 100 golfers playing for them.  That means it might not be broke yet but the "check engine" light is on and you may want to take a look under the hood.  

Many of the players who joined LIV golf resigned their memberships to the PGA tour.  The PGA's response was to immediately suspend them.  That's right, you cant quit because you're all fired.  Or, you cant fire us because we quit?  We don't know which chicken laid this egg first but the PGA is scrambling.  They upped the purses in several events because the way to put fires out is to pour money on it.  They also changed the season schedule and reduced some field sizes to boost prize money.  Looks like they hit the ball into the water off the 1st tee and it is costing them more than just a couple strokes.

Why did this happen?  That is what the PGA should be asking.  They're probably not because we thinks, it thinks, it already knows.  Can't learn something you think you already know.  If you are looking for a reason why any company is successful you have to look at the management.  Who is the the man at the top of the PGA?  Mr. Jay Monahan.  In 2019 he earned $5,378,295 as commissioner of the PGA tour.  This put him in 8th place on the tour money list for 2019 just behind Dustin Johnson at $5.5 million.  (Of course this didnt include the $3,466,390 that Monahan also got from "related organizations."  That would have put him closer to the #1 spot on the money list.)  For a salary like that we think he probably is tournament tested.  He does have a degree in history so maybe he knows all the things that are doomed to repeat themselves.  Although he is probably human though, so even if he knows the past he might not be able to prevent the future disaster.  Is he the right person for the job?

What could be the reason to even go LIV golf?  Money.  Plane and simple?  Fly around the world in private jets to play golf for guaranteed money.  Sounds pretty sweet but we think there could be more pieces to the puzzle.  Maybe a piece is that playing for a paycheck is stressful.  Weird to think that a player may not be thrilled about traveling to a new destination every week with no guarantee of being paid.  Add to that if you don't do well this season you will get your status dropped by the PGA and have to restart that mini tour grind all over again.  Oh and those tournaments are the same structure except if you do actually manage to make the cut the paychecks are much smaller.  Who wouldn't love a constant stress and anxiety of worrying where their next paycheck will come from?  (We can actually answer that... no one. No one likes worrying if they are going to get a paycheck or not.  That sounds terrible.)

What do golf fans really want to see?  Do golf fans really care about guaranteed money?  We are golf fans here and we have to be honest... we don't care about the players paychecks or that they "earned" it by playing well.  We care about seeing our favorite players in person hitting amazing shots.  Good golf is inherently boring.   Hit fairway, hit green, make putt, repeat.  We'd like to see it get spiced up a bit.  Where is the fun?  Maybe have NFL linebackers tackling you in the middle of your swing.  We'd watch that.  Ok, maybe that's too aggressive.  

Let's pitch you a couple ideas.  Change the format. (Yes, that is what LIV golf is doing)  The important thing is to make it fun for players and viewers.  Especially on the last day of a stroke play event.  There is usually only a hand full of players in contention to actually win but there are likely to be 60+ other players on the course.  Winning is fun!  What do we suggest?  If you are going to have a normal stroke play event, have other prizes throughout the round.  How about a closest to the pin on all the par 3's for $10,000 plus $10,000 donated to that players favorite charity.  You claim to be a nonprofit... Why not show the fans everyday you play you and the players are contributing to charity?  How about a long drive on the front and back 9?  The leaders might not try hard on these but we guarantee the players out of contention will.  Why?  Because its fun to try to win something.  (especially if its money) How about a shot of the day?  The PGA picks 4 of the top shots and has a fan vote on their mobile app.  This drives fan engagement.  This drives revenue because you have sponsorship for the long drive, closest to the pin, and shot of the day.  This drives player engagement because they can still win something without winning the tournament.  Sounds more fun, right? 

When you have a disruptor in the market (LIV) it is time to get creative.  Do not sit, stroke your ego, and let your pride beat you.  The PGA has a lot of pride in itself and we all know what they say.... "We're here!  We're queer!"  Wait, that's not the pride we're talking about... We're talking about pride as the deadliest of all sins because it leads to all other sins. Pride is delusional, spiteful, and bitter.  Thankfully the PGA tour hasn't shown any of those symptoms... 

#LIV Golf... Or Die trying

#LIV Golf  or do something actually fun

#LIV Golf we kill for birdies

#LIV Golf Check out our new Sportswash 

Make your decision and LIV with it 

special deLIVery

 

Right to Bare Arms

Summer time is here and we all know what that means... Suns out Guns out.  Thanks to the 2nd amendment we all have the right to bare those arms.  The founding fathers wanted to make sure that if you've been spending long hours sculpting those bi's and tri's you are free hit the boardwalk in your favorite tank and show em off.  Watch out ladies and gents because there is no controlling those jacked up fire arms.  We all know those things are considered to be serious weapons that should come with their own holsters.  Bad news for the haters because there is no holstering those things unless they find a way to ban free weights and protein powder.  That ain't happening because GNC has their lobbyist hyped up on their new supplement "Rage Fuel."  Try the new "Rage Fuel" it will make you and your workouts insane!  We guess no bans are happening on ripped biceps but should we consider being more responsible with guns that shoot bullets?

The 2nd amendment does give the right to bear Arms but there are no directions on how to acquire these "bear" arms.  Are there even enough bears to give that many people their arms?  That would totally wipe out the bear population.  Plus the black bear arms will be smaller than the brown bear arms.  Now all of the sudden we have not fair, bear arms.  If someone asked to borrow the bear arms you kept in your basement on a tall shelf, then you'd have to go downstairs, use a chair, just to share, your not fair bear arms.  We'll have bear farms that only care about bear arms.  Imagine if the gates broke loose on those bear farms.  We'd have swarms of bears arms that came from the bear farms.  Then we'd actually have to bear Arms to shoot the bear swarms.  That would lead to an oversupply of bear meat and bear rugs and an epic collapse would follow in the market for those goods.  What about polar bear arms?  Are they any better?  We shiver at the thought.  That idea went south pole and now that we've run cold and can barely think if bear arms would be a safer choice than assault rifles.  We're pretty sure its a misspelling in the constitution and its clearly the right to Bare Arms.

A new mass shooting seems to be happening nearly everyday and the debate on actual gun control has been under fire.  Both sides of the isle have been taking aim at solutions but we're gonna shoot it to ya straight.  There are some democrats that propose taking all guns away from all people.  Sounds doable. (insert sarcastic eyeroll)  There are some Republicans that propose to give more guns to everyone.  Seriously, its about time your baby learned to defend itself.  Ted Cruz was reported as saying "have you ever seen a baby get kidnapped that had a gun?  Of course not.  Then, why are we not arming our children?"  As usual Cruz has no flaws in his impeccable logic.  Cruz did not actually say that but try not hear his voice in that statement.  Seriously, we can see Ted Cruz in a town hall meeting with a straight face ask "why are we not arming our children?"  Then look at everyone in the crowd like they are the insane ones.  

Americans link their freedom with guns.  We fought for our freedom with guns so we must use them to maintain that freedom.  Guns are power and with that power you can control and defend your freedom.  Of course, you can also control and defend your tyranny.  So, choose wisely friend.  Dang y'all.  No uns ever be understandin a coin havin two sides in all.  That really gums up the ol' freedom rifle from shootin straight.  Who'd a thunk it? 

Republicans use the claim that the guns are not the problem.  That taking away guns and/or controlling guns is not the answer.  Then, what is the problem and/or solution?  Please enlighten us.  The people?  Brilliant... take away the people and the guns cant shoot anyone.  That idea cant miss.  Mental illness?  Turns out our human brains do often get in the way of nearly every smart decision we've ever tried to make, but it is very likely that most people who shoot themselves or others is suffering from short or long term mental distress.  Not enough people with guns?  Is that a real problem?  We've never had a gun but still have problems.  Sounds like a conundrum... Guns:  The solution to and cause of all the worlds problems.

Both democrats and republicans have put forth very not insane ideas that are readily and easily accomplishable.  Wait... that doesn't sound like our government... Reload.  Both sides will argue extremes for an extended period of time before coming to an agreement that has no immediate or noticeable effect.  Bullseye.  As usual we tend to think outside the range.  We say that we give guns to everyone then immediately take them away.  Nothing hurts more than loss and this way everyone feels like a loser.  Try to shoot down that logic.  

The bottom line is the news does a great job of bringing to lite the mass shootings happening all around the United States because it gets your attention.  (That is the news' goal, getting your attention) The unfortunate truth is that a person is more likely to use a gun to kill themselves than to kill someone else.  54% of all gun related deaths are suicides but we don't hear about those deaths.  We don't hear about the depressed family member who took their own life because they incorrectly assumed the lives of everyone around them would be better without them.  Those deaths aren't on the news.  Those deaths are at home.  Those deaths stay at home and never go away.  Those deaths are quiet and sad, and leave behind exactly that in their wake.  They leave behind the ones left crying as they scrub endlessly in an effort to get the blood out of the floor.  It wont come out no matter how long you scrub or how much bleach you use.  That blood stains forever.  Even when they are washed away and covered up with a rug.  The blood is there in the form of regret, anger, and confusion.  A reminder of warning signs ignored.  A realization that the person you love was too afraid to ask for help.  A confrontation that in a moment of doubt, fear, loathing and unimaginable hurt they made the easy choice.  Instead of turning to you for help and having the hardest conversation a human can have with another they took the easy way out.  They grabbed that gun in the top dresser drawer and made all the pain go away in an instant.  But the blood stays behind.  We could have stopped this if only...  if only there wasn't a gun in the house.

If you are or you know someone struggling with thoughts of suicide, you are not alone.  We all have moments of weakness but you have to take the first step to helping yourself.  Talk to someone you love but if you cant do that... Please use these resources:  Things will get better.

 Suicide Help Line

800-273-8255

Suicide Prevention Help

Returning Back for the First Time

 Welcome back to The Original just for Pun site.  If you stare at it for several hours... it's a site for sore eyes.  It's a site that cites incorrectly, stairs the wrong way, and just can't help itself from being all kinds of punny.  Why are we back?  Well, for starters, we were so rudely interrupted by a mishap and an interesting concept of trying to crowdsource puns.  It was pun while it lasted.  If you visited gopunme.com at some point over the last couple of years you may have scene this concept in action.  If not, like the broken end of a spray bottle, you did not mist much.  We assure you we will not ask you to provide the puns for us, although if you would like to... drop them in the comments.  We'd love to hear them here.  

Why should you read this blog?  You probably shouldn't.  

However, there is a small chance you get some enjoyment out of its ridiculousness.  Here at gopunme.com our goal is to give ourselves entertainment by writing things.  It is possible you may get some entertainment value as well.  There may be a message or theme that involved some sort of intellectual thought or consideration.  This chance is putt putt golf. (miniature) and the likely hood of you thinking we thought is shaquille O'neil on Uber Eats.  (A tall order)  We are more than just puns of fun.  

What will we do?  We will explain our jokes because having to explain things is what makes them funny.  (even we rolled our eyes writing that)  We will make up things usefull and useless of things you already know.  We will re lie on our shelves to hold us up to some absurd standards.  We will ch eat our words at times.  We will have poor insta grammer pictures.  We will read our face books by their covers.  We wont be great at media socially.  We will be social with the encyclopedia.  You can trust that things will not be true.  It will be true that things will be false.  The lessons will be jelly donuts.  (come from the inside and just by looking at it you're not quite sure its in there)  The lesson you may learn is to not read this blog, but you've already come so far... plus, you cant unread whats already turned you red.  Sucker.  Just kidding you should come back because you're not a quitter.  Or are you?  If you do keep reading you will prove us wrong about you and for that we commend you.  Way to go, you!

*Please be warned reading this blog may cause: uncontrollable fits of rage, diarrhea of the mouth, blurred vision, complete misunderstandings, and extreme eye rolling.  Most common side effects reported were: leaving absurd comments, peeing your pants, wait gain, lost appetite, found confusion, and a total eclipse of the heart.  

Back to Bases

 Baseball was gone for the winter and finally returned for late spring.  Wait, isn't that the normal baseball schedule?  Close enough.  After having an entire offseason to negotiate The Major League Baseball Players Association and Baseball Owners finally came to terms after spring training was supposed to start.  We thought we were great procrastinators but guess we aren't in Major Leagues, yet.  The lawyers put forth the standard negotiation practice of waiting until the last minute and combined that some warning track power to get some results.  After a few balks and many low and outside pitches, we thought the sides would eventually walk or strikeout before a deal got done.  They eventually dugout of the hole they were in and both sides finally stepped up to the plate.  This new deal gave players guaranteed contracts... wait, they already have that?  Oh, well the new deal gave owners the ability to lock players in the minor leagues for extended periods of time with very little pay.  They had that too?  They still have that?  Oh, geez.  It turns out the new deal actually was just about money and finding an excuse to finally get the DH into the National League.  We're sure at least one of those will have an impact on the game.

This marks the end of the pitch hitting era in baseball.  Wait, we mean pitchers hitting era, right? (We hope someone makes contact with the baseball this year.)  This era has established without any doubts; if you pitch, you cannot hit.  This idea has been continually reinforced early on in a players career because it is physically impossible to throw the ball very fast and use that same arm in a swinging motion to hit a baseball very far.  Some say the motions are very similar but it is not true.  You throw or you hit because the physics and biomechanics simply don't allow for both.  It has been proven if you try to do both; you will not make it to the Major Leagues and no one will know who you are.  Seriously, have you ever heard of Babe Ruth or Shohei Ohtani?  Unlikely.  They are nobodies and have proved it with their stats.  Last year Shohei only hit 46 bombs with 100 RBI's as a hitter.  As a pitcher he only struck out 156 batters and hit over 100 mph on the gun on his way to AL MVP.  Babe Ruth only hit 714 home runs with a lifetime era of 2.28 and is widely considered to be one of the best players of all time.  Now, some may consider these accomplishments as "impressive," because they irrefutably are, but they shouldn't.  We established earlier about the preconceived notion that one person can not possess the ability to do both things well.  The numbers, physical proof, and data do not matter.  It is the traditional ideas that have been founded with years of ignorance that matter to the game.   Any evidence to the contrary of those ideas should be completely ignored.  The perpetuation of stereotypes should continue starting at a young age and percolate onward.  Keeping things the way they are makes them better.  That is the way.  Or, maybe there is an entire talent pool of players abilities that scouts, coaches, and the game is missing out on?   Nah, that doesn't seem right.  The arm physical limitation thing definitely sounds right and not at all idiotic so, lets stick with that.  

Time for Change

 Ahh yes, the daylight saving time of year... the time of year when we all travel instantly an hour into the future.  No flux capacitor necessary.  By simply changing the numbers on our clocks we are affecting how quickly the earth rotates on its axis.  This simple change speeds up earths rotation during the night and slows it down by 1 hour during the day.  Thus in effect saving the daylight.  Wait... that doesnt sound right.  We are pretty sure that is not how it works?  We have not purchased a DeLorean and turned it into a time machine yet, but the likely conclusion is: we have no effect on how much day light happens during the day and are only effectively shifting the relative time when the sun is shining?  The affect on humans is debatable.  We've heard stories from less car accidents to more medical errors.  We cant be sure which studies found in the Journal of "Probably Doesn't Matter That Much to do a Study on, but We Did it Anyways" we should be paying attention to but we are very sure of at least 1 thing.  The change is annoying and serves little purpose.  Ok, thats 2 things.  Whether it is the nickels and pennies in your couch cushions, or losing an hour of sleep...  Lets change the change.  Changing is annoying except when the change is changing the time change to a time when we dont change.  Then the only thing we change is our habit of changing which is a change we can bank on. 

The future change could be sooner than we thought while also being years behind schedule.  (sounds like government in action.)  With the Sunshine Protection Act congress voted unanimously to put a shield around the sun in order to protect it from burning out.  They call this burning out of the sun: Sun Burn.  Congress said it is very important to protect the sun at all costs because "it is hot and we think it may have some effects on plant growth." said Senator Mitch McConnell. (Impressive words from the guy with 3 double letters in his last name alone.)  He continued: "The sun is running out of fuel and may only have a couple billion years left so we need to protect it from not only sun burn but, black holes and space mining."  Ok those aren't real quotes and the bill only has to do with clock time and will not be affecting the space time continuum.  (probably, but we will consult Doc Brown just to make sure.)  We're clocking in on this bill but many don't think its such a bright idea.  It would create a new problem of the darkness in the morning being a problem for anyone waking up before the sun.  This issue can be combated by changing the schedules of things like school and work.  Although, that sounds a lot like change and we've heard that can be annoying.  Or, maybe its just the amount of times we said change that's annoying...  Whichever side of the dial you're on it makes sense to stop moving the clocks.  Until then we will all keep moving slowly into the future.  

We're only a DeLorean, a Flux Capacitor, and 88 mph away from the future.  If you leave now, maybe you can meet us there.  

Cleveland just cant Windians

How do you get credit for "finding" new lands when there is already an indigenous population?  Write the history books.  The baseball team from the city of Cleveland has been playing in Regressive field since 1915 when the Cleveland Indians had their namesake blessed upon them.  To get this name they went through several poor choices.  (Other names included: Lake Shores, Bluebirds "Blues", and Napoleons or "Naps" for short)  While some of those were short lived the Indians seems to have lasted oh, about 106 years or so.  Our main question is:  What was wrong with being called the Indians?  Is Indian an offensive word?  Is it correct to call someone from India an Indian?  Or, just incorrect to call Native American Indians?  (We're really asking) If it is offensive to the Native Americans, then we agree it should not be used.  Then, we should probably think about changing the history books as well.   If not, why is it not celebrated?  If it must be changed, why not change it to something that will honor the Native American Heritage?  Baseball is an honored tradition and pass time for Americans.  Sports teams connote fierce rivalries, strenuous competitions, fan traditions, and devout loyalty.  We see sport as a positive for society and it would be an honor to have a team named after us.  (The Cleveland Pundits, maybe the Chica.go Punme's?  Our team motto is:  Win.d City and you'll win.d game)  We are a minor team right now but we've got a major league attitude.   

We are not Native Americans nor are we of Native American decent.  That gives us no place in this Nativity Scene but, on the off chance we arent being ridiculous we are occasionally rational.  Did you know, 26 states have names with Native American origin.  Can we start renaming states please?!  We have some great ideas.  A few names were circulating around for the Cleveland rebranding event.  The Cleveland Spiders and the Cleveland Windians are some real and some made up.  The Spiders would be a great name because everyone loves spiders... (serious eye roll) especially late at night when you see some giant wolf spider sprint towards the baseboard and you know one false move and you will be up for the next 4 hours searching every inch of the living space because you'll be thinking about that spider crawling on your face as soon as you lay your head down.  Spiders is a name that just makes you feel good.  The Windians, as far as we can see, is a name that just cant lose.  Another creative option would be The Cleveland Baseball Team.  It didn't work for the football team so why couldn't it not work for baseball.   

Cleveland went and searched the entire galaxy and found The Guardians.  Its a team made up of a suspicious array of individuals on a journey to save the American League from complete domination.  We're cool with it as long as all players use only walk up songs from the actual soundtrack from Guardians of the Galaxy.  The Guardians name actually pays homage to the traffic "guardians" by the Hope Memorial Bridge.  Makes sense because who doesn't love traffic?!  Best of luck Guardians as you battle the villains of the American League.  

Happy BEarth Day

 On this day 4.56752693 (yes, we're very accurate) billion years ago, Earth was created by its omni-potent parents; gravity and interstellar dust.  They met on a beautiful, dark, and starry night in space, then got all twisted up into a hot mass of swirling particulates.  They built up some serious friction then, boom.  Out popped this sexy piece of hot smokin' rock.  Its slightly changed as its aged a few billion years but at its core its still molten hot.  Every once in a while it still gives you a lil taste of hot ash just to let you know its still got it.  We humans sure love to tap that.  We drill it, pump it, scoop it, and pollute it.  Treat this earth like its our loyal, sexy lil side piece.  Its ok if we treat it like we dont need it.  It always comes back to us.  We spit in its waters, call it bad names, ignore it when it comes to us with its problems, and we even pretend we don't need it.  What is the earth gonna do?  Find a better virus to host?  Ha.  Unlikely.  It took 4 billion years to make us and in another few billion the sun is gonna vaporize it anyways.  So, we dont care... if Earth don't want us, it wont have anyone else, ever. 

Coming soon to The Universes version of Cops:  After years of abuse Earth finally had enough, and as you'll see in this next video clip She decided to set Herself on fire (or did She?). (Insert video of fictional event)  The Universal Fire Department shows up but its too late.  They can only put out the fried corpses.  (I bet it will smell like bacon with how fat we've become off of our overabundant use of Her natural resources).  The Earth will be explaining to the UPD (Universal Police Department) how we've been abusing Her for hundreds of years and oddly enough the Humans just decided to set themselves on fire.  Human Doe got drunk and didnt call, just one too many times.  Humans shoulda just stopped killing Her damn flowers to show that they care just a little bit.  Instead Humans just put the trash wherever the hell they damn well please and used that oil stove top to smoke the dinner again, without cleaning up.  Besides cleaning up is Her job.  She kept telling you Humans.  She turned the thermostat up and down, started getting rid of some of your friends, started letting some of those things you used to like to eat and drink just disappear.  Its not omniscience.  It should have been obvious to you Humans its time to start taking some responsibility.  Maybe just clean up a little bit before the guests come over.  Or, just use the sun power stove to cook.  Just do some of the simple things.  A little appreciation and telling Her how pretty She looks once and a while could go a long way.  (Some of those natural wonders took millions of years to make!)  Just do something, anything that shows how much you appreciate Her because in the end... She will be fine.  She will burn the Humans down.  Tell the police they set themselves on fire and they'll believe Her because She's been around a long time and knows all the ways to get out of trouble.  It might be hard for Her at first but eventually She'll realize, She can be happy all by Herself.  

#EarthDay  #BearthDay  #GoPunMe

Lid Slams on the Trumpster

President elects have aspirations of changing the nation and the world by imposing the values they believe in.  Much like the teenager with aspirations of being a professional baseball player, those dreams soon get tossed in the real world dumpster.  We understand how the Trumpinator feels, it is difficult when you are forced to give up on your dreams...  Unfortunately, sometimes you just cant hit a curveball.  At its best, the "revolutionary" Trump regime was a whiny, nagging toddler.  At its worst, it spewed flaming hot garbage onto anything that would pay attention to it. This Trumpster fire has been burning for four years and its time to put a lid on it.  If you have just woken up from a coma, you will find the country in similar shape to the end of most presidential terms.  Little changed. (policy wise, but mask wise its a huge change) Despite all the drama the president loves to stir up (the need to stir up drama may come from a lack of love and affection in his personal life but we do not know the former president and we prefer, unlike him, to not speak on things we do not know of) (Although, we do hint them loudly) Despite his efforts in explaining how great he is, the pandemic has brought about way more significant changes than that of the White House.  

It is odd to say but, do you think the former president was jealous of the Coronavirus?  Is that why it was so hard for him to take actions?  Sure he stirred up drama in pretty much everything that he touched, but fortunately he isnt that interested in touching things (that dont make him a sexual predator).  We would consider him the opposite of a Teddy Roosevelt.  He loved to talk loudly but preferred not to even carry a stick (he didnt like the way it looked with his hair).  While many of his predecessors preferred playing chess while presiding in the presidential palace, this president chose to play Monopoly.  Saying quote "I dont know what the players do in chess but that horsey guy looks cool.  I prefer Monopoly because I like to roll the dice and see what happens and I like to drive the car real fast around the board."  We asked how he takes it if he loses the game?  "I cant lose, if bad things happen I just flip the game board over, and yell at everyone that they cheated as I stomp away.  It works every time!"  (not real quotes) We guess there are techniques to have it both ways.  Be an a$$.  Being an a$$ allows you to take all credit for wins and zero responsibility for loses.  It's great.  Egomania never loses.  "Wherever I go, Egos."  

We are trying to figure out what would be worse for an egomaniac:  Thinking your the most important person in the world and never being promoted to that position, or realizing that you spent four years as the most powerful person in the world and nothing changed?  Of course, we doubt the former president has the ability to reflect on his loop without an unconscious ego bias but maybe he will tell us in his book.  Coming December 2021: "You're Welcome America: How I made America Great in only 4 Years" By Donald J. Trump  

Other President Trump Book Names for Consideration:

I'm Great, so is America 

You're Welcome America

2 Impeachable 

Presidency Made Easy

Grabbed America by the P_$$%

Pay Attention To Me! 

How to make millions selling Hats.

What a president does?  I still dont know.